So Longingly

Sitting on this sofa,
I gave way to comfort.
My soul tattered and tired
As i rose from a rhyming sleep.,
I miss feeling all the letters
Coming from side to side..
My crazy thoughts,
Disguising emotions
Pretending acts..
Eyes open to see what’s not going to happen..
Expecting things changing course…
And then begin to speak
From my heart,
I know I miss only one:
Describing how it feels,
The beat, to be carried away, to love
Only YOU.

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Where have you been? Isang buwan ka ng nawawala. Wala na akong makausap ng liko-liko. HAHA. I miss your majestic writings at mga kagaguhan sa buhay. Yung katatanong mo kay XXXXX. Kung nasabi ko na. Yung mga nonsense na bagay, yung mga mala-aristotle na pag-iisip mo. Yung pre-halloween mong pang-gogood time. Yung mga text mong “Alak pa!, shot na!”. HONESTLY, I’m  drunk. Nalalasing sa pag-iisip kung nasaan ka. Wala man lang paalam. Hanger ka. Hoy!  wag kang magpapakita ng walang dalang alak at chichirya!

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a Cup of Memory

a cup of coffee

I’ve been stirring my coffee for a minute now, I guess. Every time I get here at our office pantry and make one cup of this caffeine, I always get lost. I mean, stirring, stirring, and stirring until sometimes, office mates would tell me like, “Hey, what’s with your coffee? Are you stirring it to get it cold? You might want to put ice?” I am really lost to somewhere else, to those times wherein someone would order me to make coffee served with anything – cookies, biscuits, bread and even breakfast meal or other meal of the day depends on what time he arrives for a visit. Yes, he wasn’t part of the household but he’s one of the foundations. He’s my lolo. It was always a scene at our house’s window where he shows up and putting there down bottles of pickled chili or live chicken. When he sits down, it follows that he orders coffee and food. Accustomed to it, I know how his coffee tastes – black, little sugar. It was a frequent (almost every week or once in half-month) visit.

It was. That was why may be after three weeks of not coming made me wonder. Every time I arrive at home from a weekly boarding for school, I ask about him but they said he won’t come. They told me he was under medication with my aunt accompanying him. I didn’t know what he had until one Wednesday, my mother texted me that they were in the hospital. He was already in a comatose. The following day while I was in the class, actively participating in the games, I received a neighbor’s message and it reads, “Wala na si lolo mo (Your grandfather is gone.)”. Unnoticed, I cried at the corner of the room. I went home Friday and I saw him there lying on his wooden bed. It was a painful truth how he had gone too soon because at those few weeks, my mother’s side of family just started untangling things of whatever disputes they have . If there was something good that happened with his absence, the family’s relationship had gone better. I know he is happy with that wherever he is.

His life might not be a perfect blend like his coffee, sometimes the sugar was more or less but I know that right from that moment he bid goodbye, God had already perfected it in heaven. I love you Lo!

***in memory of my Lolo Constancio, may he be happy now wherever he is

Nanang

That morning someone tied a white cloth around my head. I resisted a bit not to shed a tear. I don’t want that piece. Instead, I wanted a veil when that day comes. She will be placing it in my head while we are looking at our reflection in the mirror. She gives all her words of wisdom and lovingly, kisses my cheeks when I will be in the altar.

Blurred. Tears ran down my face as I reach one of our rooms. That momentarily daydreaming will stay forever as it is. She’s gone. Our dearest mother.She went on battling her sickness in a month or two or for a year, we do not know. Her effort to conceal or not to tell us, thinking that it will be a burden on our heads and hearts, of her condition brought pain. The assurances she gave that she was fine but all along she wasn’t. That she knew where all these ends. I remember talking to her at the phone. I was telling her to eat much to cope with her high-dosage meds and she answered back, “Sino ba ang gustong mamatay? (Who wants to die anyway?)” Her words were of a fighter. She was so brave not to tell us and have it all herself. If only. We could have done something for her.

She summoned me home. Her five-day stay in the hospital proved to me she wanted to stay longer. I was hoping she was okay when I arrived. And she wasn’t. I tried hard to keep my tears from coming out. I wanted to tell her we are strong. That she will make it through. She will be going home without that oxygen support. That we will be going to Manila on December to buy her products which she will sell. That we will be expanding her store. That we will be installing faucets in the house. That we will go to Lucban to attend the healing mass.That I will buy her a washing machine. We had so much plans. Plans that now will lack an important subject, her.

Questions still surface in my head, but I can’t. I should not be questioning her decision anymore. The best thing we can do now is to understand and accept it. I wanted to see her smiling from above, not minding that our lives will not move on without her.

I WILL MISS HER

– staying on her store, giving lollipop, candies among others to kids, mostly grandchildren. She’s fond of them so much that she will grab for anything on her store and give it

– calling anyone, even passersby she doesn’t know, to come and eat while it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner time.

– calling me in my first name in full when I pretend not to hear her commands and requests

– telling my niece, grandchildren (yes, I have.) not to disturb me while still sleeping and it’s already 10am, I could only hear her voice

–  sending those with love package from the province, containing fish and vegetables (to Team Lacson, BB friends)

– entertaining my friends when they’re at home, she serves them with all the effort she can give, as if    they were her visitors

– embrace at dawn, those times I get awaken by her tight hold of me

– being proud and playing with my curly hair (to those kind offer of hair rebond, back-off)

– calls even when it’s already late at night, I was from OT work or from drinking, her untiring checking of us (with my siblings) when we’re away from home

– advices about peace, how she shrugs off bad arguments and comments, that we do not need to raise a fist to be peaceful, she doesn’t want to see us fight anyone, she is a peace lover

– prayers and aspirations, that we won’t go astray and be guided in God’s love. That she wanted the best for us, her  children

– efforts to assist us in whatever we need. Though we were grown-ups, she treated us still like those babies she had.

– unfading hopes. She told me, “meron din yan.”

and so much more. She served, loved and sacrificed with so much sincerity.

Her physical presence may no longer be here but her selfless love and sacrifice will forever be remembered. Irreplaceable that she is, I will miss her so much.

For all the words which do not belong to her, I am pleading for you to forget it. She’s already in peace.

To all who shared in her life and love (in behalf of our family), I thank you. May we remember her good deeds always and keep the love she gave.

Dear God, Thank you for giving us our loving mother. May you guide her to your side and bring to your peaceful glory. AMEN.

Dearest Nanang, Do not worry. We will make it through. We will live the life you always wanted for us. And like in our phone calls, GOODNIGHT. WE LOVE YOU. BA-BYE.

ROMA PI |October 29, 2014|11:43PM

In loving memory of our late nanang, Marivic Pulido, may she rest in peace.AMEN.