Collateral Beauty (Recognizing what’s in the fall..)

“just make sure you notice the collateral beauty..”

It’s a powerful message. At first, i couldn’t comprehend. Howard wrote to Death, Time & Love. He was putting them all to blame for his lost of a loved one.

After hearing all what they have to say and feeling them in me too, i realized i was the same with him 2 years back.

I became an accepting person – maybe if someone ask me something valuable, i won’t have enough strength to resist; believing it should always will be what would be. I’m praying that someday, slowly, I’ll come back to my feet and won’t concede any easily.

Living in sixty seconds, sixty minutes, twenty four hours, three hundred sixty five days, tens of years and sometimes not close to a hundred, I, like everyone, is buying for every breath and every moment of the most expensive commodity that is time. I would like to ask if how much is a time machine to the past. He wouldn’t give me and He wouldn’t sell me any either. He gave the future instead, for free.

And then here is the reason to every why. That even pain exists because of her, calling herself love. I remembered reading “love is not lost, it just transforms..”. We lost her. Pain. Yet, she is the reason why we come together, as if an invisible blanket which keeps us all warm and affectionate. Along with touching the hurt in my chest, i can touch a bigger part of that deep and nurturing feeling she has left. I am glad to share it with every person in the crossroads.

So there. Like the dominos Howard set up, all in the line are taken down by just a single piece falling. That one may have caused the collapse, and gone to be blamed for everything; but if you look widely – enough to appreciate, and put your eyes in the direction of the fall, you will see the beauty that goes with it.

In two years, I am noticing it, not yet all but someday, I will.

 

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#CollateralBeauty

Not My Choice

Whether it is disaster or luxury that you see from birth, it isn’t about your control. It isn’t your desire to be exposed to things such as poverty, hopelessness, insensitivity or having been into a privileged family. Your life is a package. The era, the situation, the people around you, your genetics, your authority and reach are all given. Struggling to live the most, the fight for every right to be walking on this ground safe and sound, however, bring differences. Some had to deal with the basic things to survive, some looks for recognition, some tend to be keepers of others (as self-fulfillment) and some tend to just give up or walk away.

I didn’t choose my life.

I might say I was dragged into it helplessly. Growing up and beating every personal record of things I do from day 1 to the nth time, I am used to it. My memory is a time capsule of my own history. That while in a change, of sudden and overwhelming change, I found and lost things and persons, and values and attitudes. All of them made me – strong, stupid, wise, and broken and certainly a warrior of life. I didn’t intend to be a hero, to be a laugh stock, to be someone to compare to, to be someone’s enemy or be home to someone’s arms. I am living what has been given. I am living because I breathe and I have a heart to feel the beat. I came to this world alone. I shall depart alone. The brightness or the dimness of what has happened in between lies to how I choose to stay, even for a while.

Not My Choice

 

Besides Fear : Conjuring 2

conjuring 2

I and my colleagues have this penchant for viewing horror films in the cinemas. We watch sequels namely Conjuring and Insidious. Before the actual day of watching, we discuss the trailer, review the previous film and predicts the story line. Whoever shows up at the theater braves the big screen and jump scares, not to mention the 3 nights after that.

Watching is a challenge and going beyond fear is much more. We watched Conjuring 2 recently. Seeing the nun or Valak straight into my face (as if) is the horror itself. How about imagining it while the lights are off? I just did that night. However, I just got thoughts from the movie which helped me cope over it.

I don’t want to spoil anything but let me encourage you to take the challenge. First, about the grandpa. My sympathy goes to him for I remembered my own grandfather. He likes Queen Elizabeth. He is a comic one. He whistles. You have to guess the title of the song. I know you can. Above all, his attachment to his family will melt your heart. After watching, you’ll be having knock-knock games (laughs).

My friends told me about their clothes and I vowed to observe it in the film. The setting was in London so typically, it’s an English culture. We are accustomed to attires of the duchess and aristocrats but how about the ordinary citizens? It’s a plus that the film was set in the 70s and it was also Christmas time. I got to see a glimpse of that decade.

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Music was totally present in the film. I sang those lines. I started a joke which started the whole world crying..You’ll be carried away. I promise.You will also have another memory of Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Anyway, just sing it lightly. Brush the memory out after. But I can’t help falling in love with you..

“I married him.” That’s the line where you know how the Psychic couple love each other. You will also feel that. It’s a touch of true love and faith. It’s very visible. Hold on to your seats, please.

I also like the momentarily humor from the grandpa, the shut-up approach and the run. You’ll be giggling. Just don’t be caught off-guard.

The anti-bullying campaign was carried out. He likes bullying your sister so, better stick together (may not exactly the statement). It speaks of a team or family fighting as a whole. It’s same as all for one, one for all. The team speaks of the kids. See how brave they were.

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Mainly, Conjuring 2 centers on faith. Prayers and beliefs make things loudly be true. Visions are ways to tell it will or will not happen. As the trailer says just because you don’t believe doesn’t mean you’re safe,then, this makes you believe that your will is above anything else, not even demons can win over.

Are you going to watch now? Tell me. We’ll discuss it.

 

Xx RoMa Pi

image source: google/ctto

I Hate Myself for Waiting but..

I do. My friends always scold me for being the martyr type for being fond of waiting. Why not? I get some heroic complements from doing it. The prizes for extending my patience and be the last man standing are thank you, smiles, and sometimes, coffee. Oh, and look what I just got because I have to wait for someone last night. It’s a freebie on my way home.

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Yet, I was pissed off (of myself) sometimes. It was my choice to stay longer and for saying yes or voluntarily be there. I can’t blame anyone. It’s my account, solely.

Behind every enduring minute and hours later, I’m aware that I am actually a dying candle. I give up sleep, on time meal and necessities, socials, friends, and even family. You see, going another hour and spending some time for something or someone takes sacrifice. What else in the world will not require something in return for something (beside God’s love)? Then, I should know its worth. I should know what’s at the end of the line and be able to weigh what matters more.

Waiting is a kind of suffering. It isn’t by-standing. It isn’t doing it on your free time. You bleed inside and your hopes might slide down.

Waiting is a game. The outcome can’t be predicted. Sometimes, there is and sometimes, there isn’t. So, prepare your heart.

Waiting is being selfless.It takes forgetting one’s self to hope for something or someone. It’s a painful reality that even life is disrupted.

Waiting is what-if. Try asking what will happen if it’s over or having the thought of giving up right there at that moment. It’s a matter of destiny or the will of the upper hand. Just have your part whatever.

Waiting is your personality.What’s your patience meter’s read? How long do you survive a moment in silence? Without your phone? Do you quit too soon? Right now or later? A test of your core strength is right here WAITING (a song, yes!)

Waiting is always a choice.It is. Nothing can bind you, even by rules. If you break what has been founded or agreed, it is your choice, and consequences later. Stay or walk away?

In a world where conventional heroes mean fading away with a cause, will you be one? Will you courageously meet fate at the end of the line or leave sooner? There is or there isn’t something good for you until it’s over. As I’ve said, weigh what’s more important. What does it worth? If we need to be selfless to serve others or get a something in return, be strong. It takes will, courage and so much faith. Lastly, for us to realize – we are waiting, yet, don’t forget that we are waited, too. Be a justice to ourselves. Ask now or later?

 

xx RoMa Pi

Just Another Cake Story

For my 8th after two decades, I had a crazy plan. In the morning before anyone knows, I’m gone out of the apartment I share with my college friends. I will be back at a time when they’re already asleep (at night). I filed a leave at the office on Monday (13th) and determined to carry out the plan.

..and this was what happened.

June 12 – Philippines’ Independence Day at around 9:30pm and I was already in bed, one of my friends and her sister pulled out a box with a red ribbon. Inside was a white, sweet and mango stuffed something. Okay, it’s a cake. The dedication said, “HBD Roma Pi”.

Not to dismay them, I went to slice the cake and ate even if I was already done brushing.

I wasn’t awake when 12am stroke. I was being used to do it in years but that time, I wasn’t. I woke up past 8am. Two of my friends were gone to the office. Initial plan failed. I finished a pending report review and a movie I started the night before. Next, I should have gone to Manila for St. Anthony’s feast. Remember I mentioned that in Bustillos – St. Anthony’s Parish celebrates my natal day (Church Hopping)? Again, I didn’t. I did laundry, some cleaning and sit down or lied down in bed almost all day (and in my dress ready to go outside).

Somehow, I accomplished two. I cooked dinner. It’s been long that I don’t do that too. Second, I’ve deactivated my FB account. I was asked if why I did that. I said I wanted some quiet time that day or I was just challenging people to reach me. Those who knew (with my contacts) and remembered my personal occasion greeted me. Now I know. (haha)

The start of my 28th just happened and most of that day’s plan turned around. Blame it on the CAKE. Sure, I got thoughtful loved ones. Thank you everyone for being a slice of my life!

 

Xo

Roma Pi

 

ps: Lani, Ysang, Tette, Lily – ang sarap nung cake. Ako umubos. 🙂

Beat The Pain That Haunts You

from my old blog —

(Before I closed my browser,this line caught my attention – -it wasn’t mine, I just need to say something out of it..)

..it will always be there, no matter what. It is like a virus that attacks your immunity system whenever it is weak. A pain out of something you let go, you missed, something you slipped out of your hold, something you didn’t have really. I, myself, is sometimes sick and tired of this state of emotion. It lingers when it has the chance.

What I do? I go on a walk, I put on my earphones for music,  I write to let the paper absorb what I feel (artistically crafting that  is pain), I call friends and loved ones and the other side is stress-eating. The last one reminds me to stock good food, not comfort food but the definition of healthy. I also wish I run out of stock or I don’t have any to buy on my way home. Pwede naring wala akong pambili.

What I do is not the way to treat it I think. It is to temporarily shut it down like giving anesthesia to numb the pain. I even don’t acknowledge why this surfaces once in a while and here while writing this, I came to an idea why such. I am not really letting go. I am still holding on to things that binds me with my pain. Isa akong masokista (I am a masochist). I trust Him but it isn’t that full.

I still do the “doctor thing” – ‘eto sa ‘yo, ‘eto ang maganda para sa ‘yo,  dito ka masaya, sya nalang, you’re fine (here’s for you, here’s what’s good for you, here’s where you are happy, settle with him/it). See? I am sort of knowing what is good and not good to me when all I do is just to recommend. I don’t have the pen, the stirring wheel of my own life. These brought me some brokenness inside, much to this, I feel empty.I can’t heal my wounds and fill empty spots so I’d rather bring myself to His medication. It is that something of acceptance I need to do. Pain, can create beautiful things (well, it isn’t negative at all sides) and can demolish defenses of the spirit when nurtured too long.

For me now, I will let it stay, feel it for a while and transform it to something of use, of inspiration and of a constant reminder to be so strong that it can never take me down. I will prevail.

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Stand high as the sky, Firm as the ground

–Chinese Proverb 

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and A REPLY from EPJ

I myself had an experience with this kind of feeling. Just like a melting butter in the surface of heated pan: dancing and drifting its way to the end, that act of feeling the burn just before you die, or that feeling when you jump off from 47th floor building: the-in-between-extreme-feelings-before-you-hit-the-ground.

But somehow, maybe we just really want to experience these kind of feelings. The pain, the loneliness, boredom and everything; wanting to experience love and hatred and sufferings and everything in between, simultaneously.

And therefore, maybe we are just effing with our empire of thoughts.

Just like the melting butter, maybe we just want to be liquefied; the experience of being in the atmosphere and moving around with the wind, spreading our beautiful aroma.

Maybe, we just want to experience melting and dying, without literally being, uhm, dead.

Or maybe, we are just tired being solid.

– EMILIO JIMENEZ (an accountant, rocker)

When No One Else Was

There are times when I need to be alone. Too, there are chances that I don’t want to tell any of my burdens to someone. It is when complications of being solo come at hand. It is dangerous to be containing pain and unshared problems. Sometimes, some tend to be suicidal but before such undesirable thing happens, I turn to two.

First is God. Remember a verse? “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer…” (Psalm 18:2) I know that he is always watching over me. There is no security greater than knowing that an unseen blanket is shielding me against unmanageable pain. I just pray for all to be well.

Second – Be with someone when no one else is around. Ask me how. I will tell you what I do besides praying. There are ways in which you can have companions over a time wherein you mostly need an adviser, a listener or a friend.

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  • PLAYLIST. Research inspirational songs. Then, create a playlist of these. I have songs of Hillsong United, Casting Crowns, Eraserheads, Gary Valenciano and others in mine. Save it on your phone or music player. Listen to them when you need or when you like to. They are a source of enlightenment. It may occur that you won’t want to grab that phone, put your headset and take the messages in but please remind yourself not to be hardheaded. Yes, it takes will and may you be able to do it somehow.
  •     READS. The first book you should have is a personal Bible. When I am bothered, I do this Bible casting with a prayer that a message of enlightenment will come to me. It always does. It can also be an inspirational book like those written by Bo Sanchez, Paulo Coelho, and Mitch Albom. Another is you prepare a summary of verses, quotations and excerpts. Print, write or copy them and put it somewhere you can easily access or see. They will remind you to be positive no matter what.
  • VISUALS and AUDIOS. Movies like Life of Pi, a Walk to Remember, and Tuesdays with Morrie are worth some diversions. Realization of the value of life and love reverses one’s perceptions. Sometimes, I turn to animated movies too. There are downloadable recordings of inspirational talks like in Podcast while there are also videos like Bo Sanchez’s the Feast and Nick Vujicic’s Life without Limbs.
  • WALK, RUN, TRAVEL. I am not saying you should turn away from the problem. I call it ‘cooling down’.  When I don’t feel well, I don’t go home straight. I go for a walk somewhere. I blend in the crowd while reflecting what went wrong with me. I stay there until I know I can already manage my emotions and go home. In days when I can freely do some run, I spend an hour or two. It may not be enough but somehow, it gives me time to reflect and think for a solution. An out-of-town vacation can also help. For me, I visit places of spiritual retreat and churches.
  • WRITE IT DOWN. My father told me to keep a journal of beautiful and happy things. I do. When I’m down, I open my journal and read them. It’s great going back to memories which remind me to keep going. Sometimes, I also write things that toils me. All of them and while writing, I may be crying them out too. It sounds dramatic but yeah, that’s really how it is. If you’re thinking what I do with the writings, I never keep them. I toss them in the fire, tear or throw them in the trash. It’s symbolic and it helps.
  • DANCE. YOGA. Keep moving. Being steady only harbors negative thinking. Be busy with something that creates an opportunity to be relaxed and be refreshed. Strategizing is better done with a quiet mind and rejuvenated body.
  • AT LEAST DON’T TURN INTO THE SPIRIT OF WINE. It won’t help drinking alone. As usual, it will just give you hours of anesthesia but come next day, the trouble is still the same. Worst, you may commit something you don’t want while intoxicated. Please avoid doing it. A sign of a strong mind and will is never giving in to wrong medications.

It is inevitable that once in our lives we think we can’t do it. Being in a state of confusion, being lost or losing those we love, no one or nothing tangible can save us first. We have our minds and only we can uplift this spirit that is sinking. “Tough times don’t last but tough people do.”With God, loving people and with the help of intangible companions, we will survive a life of roses and thorns. My friend, pray and stay afloat!

ToughPeopleLast

(Photo source: pixabay.com)

 

 

The DIY Memoirs

Single

And I have a friend who commented on one of my writings about that one destined for me – the one who without his presence, my life tends to be lonely and empty. It’s a feeling inevitable for one who doesn’t have someone around with She said, “We love being alone but we don’t fancy being lonely.” But of course, I agree. Who wants to be lonely anyway?

Loneliness is a choice. Alone-ness is a choice. But one needs not necessarily follows the other. Loneliness is a state of mind, I assume, while loving the state of being alone is a different story. And as they say, there is power in solitude. I, for one, feel it. It is the mind that may will a focused and reflective thought over unnecessary ergo complications of being alone.

Need I say what it is? Yes? Pity, that nagging part which centers only on one’s self. Why I’m alone? Why no one wants to be with me? And stating all self-fact, I am reasoning that they should chose me. However, this will bring me nothing but bitterness. I won’t live that way. I’d rather be living alone with a sunny day than taking a journey of searching someone who could be with me all the way and with a feeling of incompleteness. I’m not kicking the idea aside and away but for now, let me be.

Gladly, that stated above only happens once in a year (maybe). I choose to embrace the fun of going solo. I focus on strengthening my character through reflections alone. I get more time planning and building what I wanted to have.

My desire of being alone doesn’t shun people away from me. I wouldn’t like to. I consider that I am a social being, as my nature is. It’s just that, as I am currently running my independence, I do things single-handedly.

Guided by the upper hand, I do various activities. Like I am a jane of all trades, I want to try and experience everything that captures my interest. I do them in bold spirit. I crave for freedom in all sorts. I believe that every day is an adventure. Let the stories roll.