In two worlds,
I may have two faces
Too much emotions
I only have
In two worlds,
I may have two faces
Too much emotions
I only have
hi! naiinggit ako sa loveletters mo, so here, ginawan kita. I don’t know where to classify this pero pansamantala, sa unreplied letter muna.
2:46am – I am here at the bus stop in aritao and we’re about to go towards home. And yes, same’s my heart. I would like to acknowledge na dadaan muna ‘to sa inyo.
How did that happen? You’re an unpredictable passionate freak. A majestic writer who use to dominate me with all those opinions and conversations, that devil in my head. Laugh your heart out, I can hear it. You’re such a sort of bully, now I know the word. And despite all my unnecessary, unpleasant impressions on you, you still got me fall (or fooled?haha).
One time, you asked me if I have some feelings for you? Yes I have, but for a reason I can only tell you if you ask me again, I just said I wish and stated some weakness. I am not a coward, I am brave. So much for a girl confessing to a guy who’s not asking him to love her back. I just want you to know because you deserve it. I hope you’d understand. Let alone reason and your heart do the comprehending. Besides you’re epj, the one who can give meaning to words in different light..better. Remember what I told you last June 13? Please stick around ‘coz I do. I wanted to keep our friendship. Don’t you dare be smoke again, I can’t afford to lose one friend. Thank you for following the letters and listening.
P/S: remember, this isn’t a solicitation letter..you can give it back to me. 🙂
I’ve been stirring my coffee for a minute now, I guess. Every time I get here at our office pantry and make one cup of this caffeine, I always get lost. I mean, stirring, stirring, and stirring until sometimes, office mates would tell me like, “Hey, what’s with your coffee? Are you stirring it to get it cold? You might want to put ice?” I am really lost to somewhere else, to those times wherein someone would order me to make coffee served with anything – cookies, biscuits, bread and even breakfast meal or other meal of the day depends on what time he arrives for a visit. Yes, he wasn’t part of the household but he’s one of the foundations. He’s my lolo. It was always a scene at our house’s window where he shows up and putting there down bottles of pickled chili or live chicken. When he sits down, it follows that he orders coffee and food. Accustomed to it, I know how his coffee tastes – black, little sugar. It was a frequent (almost every week or once in half-month) visit.
It was. That was why may be after three weeks of not coming made me wonder. Every time I arrive at home from a weekly boarding for school, I ask about him but they said he won’t come. They told me he was under medication with my aunt accompanying him. I didn’t know what he had until one Wednesday, my mother texted me that they were in the hospital. He was already in a comatose. The following day while I was in the class, actively participating in the games, I received a neighbor’s message and it reads, “Wala na si lolo mo (Your grandfather is gone.)”. Unnoticed, I cried at the corner of the room. I went home Friday and I saw him there lying on his wooden bed. It was a painful truth how he had gone too soon because at those few weeks, my mother’s side of family just started untangling things of whatever disputes they have . If there was something good that happened with his absence, the family’s relationship had gone better. I know he is happy with that wherever he is.
His life might not be a perfect blend like his coffee, sometimes the sugar was more or less but I know that right from that moment he bid goodbye, God had already perfected it in heaven. I love you Lo!
***in memory of my Lolo Constancio, may he be happy now wherever he is
In a garden was a four year old girl. She hasn’t been to the outside world until then. A stranger in a new world, she kept on exploring every corner of that garden.
Everything is worth a discovery. She’s amazed with her co-creatures but something in the mid-air caught her attention. The thing flaps its body. It has colorful body – dots of yellow, black and brown. The creature captured her heart in an instant. Being so, she ran after it that she didn’t notice, she’s getting away from their house.
She ran and ran after it, only to touch it with her tiny palms but the more she chases it, the more it goes away. The little girl became patient to follow the thing and hoped she’ll have it, catch it. She stumbled and cried for sometimes but still went on.
After sometime, she lost the thing in her focus. She looked around and she knew, she’s in the woods. She wanted the thing badly but she didn’t know what to do. After a while, she decided to go back. At her arrival in the garden, everything delighted her – the flowers which had just bloomed, the green grasses, the bushes, the fresh scented trees and some small creatures she hadn’t discovered yet.
One by one, she went to look closer to this things and realized, she could have devoured the beauty of this garden earlier… and not wasted her time on a thing that made her lost. She’s sorry for herself for what had happened… but after all, she’s happy, she’s HOME.
*Like Love, we shouldn’t be blinded by obsession… if we think, we lost it… think we’ll find it again…even if it’s not in the same person or thing… we’ll find it again and again.. just HOPE and strengthen our FAITH…It will make us see our purpose to live.
Sitting on the seawall, my thoughts were reaching the horizon where the sun finally meets the cold water. It’s as if your face were painted on the sunset sky or you were on that ship about to fade. I don’t know as to where you are. I only know one thing. And that on sunset afternoons, this girl, whose endlessly caress by the sea breeze and sometimes chilled, is constantly and hopefully waiting for you – your return as you have promised.
“Who’s she daddy?” a girl in an elegant ponytail asked the man whose hands she’s holding. She is referring to that woman in front of them. The littlegirl looks at her dad and alternately at the woman.
She couldn’t understand what’s going on. It’s as if the world froze with her, wondering.Seconds, a beat of ten times passed but she couldn’t hear anything. So, sheasked again, “Dad, who’s she?” At the girl’s second attempt, the spell was broke.
“She’s your tita Thea. She’s a friend of your daddy”, the mannonchalantly replied. The woman can’t help but just to smile. “A friend”, yes,she’s really that.
“Ok, greet your tita.” The man commanded the little girl who obedientlydid as told. The woman
sat down to meet the cheeks of the little girl who’s trying to kiss her.
After the unexpected meeting,the woman just stood there where the man and the little girl left her. Shecouldn’t believe such – both the little girl and the man – but she has tobelieve it. She’d seen it.
It was her dream to have that little girl and yes, with that man. How such dream could came to life butwithout her? It took her one, two, tenseconds to recall when she dreamt of another thing, when she tried to give upthat dream – with him and their girl. All began with a promise – a promise shemade to herself. No one compelled her to do that. She just knew it would be theright thing. Her motto then was “family first”. She did everything to fulfillit. She graduated, got a title and work hard.
Althea is now thirty years old.Yet, she’s still working for the same purpose. Of all her businesses, she neglected one thing – her own happiness.
“Get somebody who could help you forever.” Those were the words of Dennis, the man in her past and recentlyappeared to her in the present. She answered that it would be “someday”. It wasthe safest answer, she thought. She didn’t know. It just slipped from her mind.No other words came out and with greetings, the conversation died that night.She must be afraid to commit to some things she might have said if other words came out – fewer words, less danger
It was her fourth year of stay in the school while it was his last year. She knew very much it was her lastchance to tell him – to empty out to him the feelings she kept for years. She’sa woman and she didn’t know how to do it. She decided to make a letter and she did.
It was graduation day. She wentto see him as she usually did whenever she could see him. She waited on thelong narrow path outside the venue. She started to be irritated when at last,she caught a glimpse of him. He and his family approached her. She smiled and greetshis parents. After that, she found herself alone with him. Heartbeats becamefaster and she thought, her voice would tremble if she’ll speak. She began itwith a smile and he also smiled at her. Then, words came out from her throat.Those words made him smile widely but sad to say, it’s not her heart talking but her mind.
“What happened?,” She could only ask herself after he left her alone. It was her last chance but she let go ofit. She was a coward. She wasn’t brave enough.
That was the last time she saw him. News came to her that he left the country to work abroad and then, no more news came.
It’s only now that she saw him again. It’s on this school reunion thatshe hoped to have a chance again but now, it’s gone. He has now a little girl –not with her as she used to dream, but with another woman.
She can no longer bring back the past and undo what has been done. It’s just now a matter of acceptance andmaybe, just maybe, she can find her happiness again by looking at him, happy from afar with his little girl.FIN
..i take one step away
but i find myself coming back
to you my one and only,
one and only YOU…
do you hear me sing V?
This is the only thing I can do now. I’ve tried to stop myself from committing same mistake as before. I almost did it actually. I told Him and myself, I won’t try write that part of my story ever again. It fails everytime. Mas magaling siya, yun ang hindi ko maitatanggi (He is wiser, that I can’t deny). And so, I give him the pen and take charge of what is to be.
Angelo, you have been a model to me that day1 I looked straightly into your eyes. It’s a memory I keep that I was singing for the first time I’ve been looking in your eyes while looking at you, staring as you approach our department. NKKLK (crazy) but I did. I was almost, always late last year 2013 and twice I saw you at the crossing. I didn’t know what to do, will I wait up? Go along with you or be ahead of you? I chose going ahead of you just to tell you, yeah, it’s me, I’m here. But in the end, I always end up chasing you, sometimes I’m on my two-inch-heeled shoes. You were so fast. Later, I found out why—you were already late. So was I.
One of those two times, I was wishing to see you right there, right then. I missed you for two weeks. Suddenly, the wish became a prayer answered. You were standing in front of me. I blinked. I thought I was on a daydream but there, a living, breathing you are. RED light and even people were crossing, you didn’t go with the flow. I was amazed of how you think on traffic rules. I stayed to watch you further. GREEN light and there we went. Naunahan pa nga kita (I went ahead of you even). I really went ahead of you but as I said, you overtook me. Nagrereklamo ako pag lagi kitang hinahabol pero kasalanan ko naman. Now, when I cross that section, I got your attitude. I don’t cross when it’s red. I go Green. Thanks for that.
While our office was in renovation, I saw you often since you were the supervisor. I even had that word twitching referring to my heart’s reaction when I see you—kumikislot (twitching). I had so many crazy things inside my head and done some. I wrote your name on the newspaper I found at the third floor. Nobody was around. I stalked your FB and your siblings’. Sorry but I am not sorry. They were all brilliant specially Apple whose interests are same as mine minus the playing of music instruments. I don’t do that but I wish I can to be able to jam with your singing of Here, There and Everywhere. Every time I hear that song, I feel how you want to love. I don’t know if someone special is occupying your heart and mind right now. I don’t bother to know. It’s enough for me to know, I have this one-way feeling towards you.
I met you one day in May 2013 and done the research. You are running and I admit, that was one factor how my friends were able to convince me join a funrun in July. I wanted to see your world, experience what you are doing and hoping too, I can see you there. So far, I haven’t seen you on one of my runs. It’s been nine months and counting. However, I do run now with the primary reason I want to take care of myself to take care of others more. Fitness is something that will make me remember you. No one does, no one will, only you. Again, I thank God for that.
I love to see you sleeping. Doon ka naman kasi yata nawiwili (You are enjoying it. It seems). Your profile pics are screaming about it. On the morning following our Christmas party, I saw you sleeping at the cushioned seat at your office’s lobby. I stared at you while passing by. I wanted to stop but I didn’t. I got a companion pero alam naman niya. Poor child, I thought. Someone told me you’re not getting good sleep those days. I wanted to be there at your side and watch over you. I was even thinking I’ll be watching you every day. It sounds good to me and it’s really crazy. It was just like how I look when you came to me because no one answered me about the glass pane I wanted to be removed, worrying that it will be damaged by the demolishing works that night, that first hello when you were looking for our messenger, kinilig talaga ako. That night, I was smiling even maybe at sleep.
Weird but I had this long-sleeve and I was thinking like it’s lucky. Why? I see you whenever I am with it (mind setting lang siguro). I almost bumped into you one Friday, my friend told me, “bakit di mo binangga?” haha, same with my thoughts. She, really is my friend. I saw you on Valentines day 2014, guilty again, I stared. As ever, you were so serious, your palms wrapping each other. Could I hold one of those? Ooops, crazy ideas!
I always love assisting and helping you. It was unsolicited. Para-paraan para makausap ka. Textmate kita remember? Natutuwa ako pag wala yung in-charge mo. That means, it will only be me you’ll get to talk to. Simple as that. I will always be willing sa isang pagkabait-bait na arkitekto. Anyway, I had my house plan back in province, I was just hoping you would see and help me. Ako naman ang tulungan mo. Doon lang. In any other thing, you can’t.
I am someone who evaluates everything – the guy on the next block, kids playing with their parents watching, leaves swaying outside jayson’s window (he’s beside it), sun that upsets Mina when it’s setting and this, specially, my feelings. I know you are miles up there. Suntok sa buwan na lagi-lagi kong sinasabi. I have plans of reaching you but now, my jump won’t suffice to cope the distance. I guess I have to reorganize everything of me but I promise, I won’t get too far. Right now, you are a butterfly I can’t keep for if I do, we both die. I won’t let you suffocate in my palms, the personality you created and the influence you brought. I won’t let myself die in despair, in reaching you or catching you. I won’t. I respect God’s writing and will. If ever you won’t be available then, that time I can get a rocket to the moon, its okay. No regrets. Someone other might be waiting. If only if. And if ever you won’t be my one and only YOU, I pray for Him to land you, dearest Angelo, in loving arms always. God bless you lucky angel. ‘Til then.
We were standing facing each other on a lifeless road. I have a clue on what’s
going to happen. You told me we’ll stop seeing each other. That it’s time to
say goodbye. And you walked away, not minding what I have to say. I called
your name, three times. You didn’t turn back. Slowly, you went your way. I
was there in the open, empty. My mind’s so numb I couldn’t think straight. Was
it real? You left me. I stood still and the truth of the things you said slowly came.
I was alone. Without you. A sudden warm liquid made its way out of my eyes.
My hurting chest wanted to spill more. I did. And it seemed nature sympathized,
water dropped one by one. Then, it rhymed with me. I was the girl crying in the rain.
That morning someone tied a white cloth around my head. I resisted a bit not to shed a tear. I don’t want that piece. Instead, I wanted a veil when that day comes. She will be placing it in my head while we are looking at our reflection in the mirror. She gives all her words of wisdom and lovingly, kisses my cheeks when I will be in the altar.
Blurred. Tears ran down my face as I reach one of our rooms. That momentarily daydreaming will stay forever as it is. She’s gone. Our dearest mother.She went on battling her sickness in a month or two or for a year, we do not know. Her effort to conceal or not to tell us, thinking that it will be a burden on our heads and hearts, of her condition brought pain. The assurances she gave that she was fine but all along she wasn’t. That she knew where all these ends. I remember talking to her at the phone. I was telling her to eat much to cope with her high-dosage meds and she answered back, “Sino ba ang gustong mamatay? (Who wants to die anyway?)” Her words were of a fighter. She was so brave not to tell us and have it all herself. If only. We could have done something for her.
She summoned me home. Her five-day stay in the hospital proved to me she wanted to stay longer. I was hoping she was okay when I arrived. And she wasn’t. I tried hard to keep my tears from coming out. I wanted to tell her we are strong. That she will make it through. She will be going home without that oxygen support. That we will be going to Manila on December to buy her products which she will sell. That we will be expanding her store. That we will be installing faucets in the house. That we will go to Lucban to attend the healing mass.That I will buy her a washing machine. We had so much plans. Plans that now will lack an important subject, her.
Questions still surface in my head, but I can’t. I should not be questioning her decision anymore. The best thing we can do now is to understand and accept it. I wanted to see her smiling from above, not minding that our lives will not move on without her.
I WILL MISS HER
– staying on her store, giving lollipop, candies among others to kids, mostly grandchildren. She’s fond of them so much that she will grab for anything on her store and give it
– calling anyone, even passersby she doesn’t know, to come and eat while it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner time.
– calling me in my first name in full when I pretend not to hear her commands and requests
– telling my niece, grandchildren (yes, I have.) not to disturb me while still sleeping and it’s already 10am, I could only hear her voice
– sending those with love package from the province, containing fish and vegetables (to Team Lacson, BB friends)
– entertaining my friends when they’re at home, she serves them with all the effort she can give, as if they were her visitors
– embrace at dawn, those times I get awaken by her tight hold of me
– being proud and playing with my curly hair (to those kind offer of hair rebond, back-off)
– calls even when it’s already late at night, I was from OT work or from drinking, her untiring checking of us (with my siblings) when we’re away from home
– advices about peace, how she shrugs off bad arguments and comments, that we do not need to raise a fist to be peaceful, she doesn’t want to see us fight anyone, she is a peace lover
– prayers and aspirations, that we won’t go astray and be guided in God’s love. That she wanted the best for us, her children
– efforts to assist us in whatever we need. Though we were grown-ups, she treated us still like those babies she had.
– unfading hopes. She told me, “meron din yan.”
– and so much more. She served, loved and sacrificed with so much sincerity.
Her physical presence may no longer be here but her selfless love and sacrifice will forever be remembered. Irreplaceable that she is, I will miss her so much.
For all the words which do not belong to her, I am pleading for you to forget it. She’s already in peace.
To all who shared in her life and love (in behalf of our family), I thank you. May we remember her good deeds always and keep the love she gave.
Dear God, Thank you for giving us our loving mother. May you guide her to your side and bring to your peaceful glory. AMEN.
Dearest Nanang, Do not worry. We will make it through. We will live the life you always wanted for us. And like in our phone calls, GOODNIGHT. WE LOVE YOU. BA-BYE.
ROMA PI |October 29, 2014|11:43PM
In loving memory of our late nanang, Marivic Pulido, may she rest in peace.AMEN.
I’m at the 5th floor right now with some colleagues, just finished sipping my raspberry black currant juice. I regret having that juice, I’m chilling. Mind to know what i want? I want you here. I need your hug. These recent days, I’ve been clinging to Nick’s jacket. I want something warm, something unchanging and something that never bothers but unconditionally cares. I wish you are what I want, now. I wish you were here..but I know it’s not yet time for you to be here. I am so empty and lonely but I trust how the universe conspires like how every raindrop falls to the ground in silence..never known until i feel the splash of liquid on my cold feet. I hope for you. I need you but please take your time. We’ll be meeting halfway, even if under an outpouring rain.