from my old blog —
(Before I closed my browser,this line caught my attention – -it wasn’t mine, I just need to say something out of it..)
..it will always be there, no matter what. It is like a virus that attacks your immunity system whenever it is weak. A pain out of something you let go, you missed, something you slipped out of your hold, something you didn’t have really. I, myself, is sometimes sick and tired of this state of emotion. It lingers when it has the chance.
What I do? I go on a walk, I put on my earphones for music, I write to let the paper absorb what I feel (artistically crafting that is pain), I call friends and loved ones and the other side is stress-eating. The last one reminds me to stock good food, not comfort food but the definition of healthy. I also wish I run out of stock or I don’t have any to buy on my way home. Pwede naring wala akong pambili.
What I do is not the way to treat it I think. It is to temporarily shut it down like giving anesthesia to numb the pain. I even don’t acknowledge why this surfaces once in a while and here while writing this, I came to an idea why such. I am not really letting go. I am still holding on to things that binds me with my pain. Isa akong masokista (I am a masochist). I trust Him but it isn’t that full.
I still do the “doctor thing” – ‘eto sa ‘yo, ‘eto ang maganda para sa ‘yo, dito ka masaya, sya nalang, you’re fine (here’s for you, here’s what’s good for you, here’s where you are happy, settle with him/it). See? I am sort of knowing what is good and not good to me when all I do is just to recommend. I don’t have the pen, the stirring wheel of my own life. These brought me some brokenness inside, much to this, I feel empty.I can’t heal my wounds and fill empty spots so I’d rather bring myself to His medication. It is that something of acceptance I need to do. Pain, can create beautiful things (well, it isn’t negative at all sides) and can demolish defenses of the spirit when nurtured too long.
For me now, I will let it stay, feel it for a while and transform it to something of use, of inspiration and of a constant reminder to be so strong that it can never take me down. I will prevail.
Stand high as the sky, Firm as the ground
and A REPLY from EPJ
I myself had an experience with this kind of feeling. Just like a melting butter in the surface of heated pan: dancing and drifting its way to the end, that act of feeling the burn just before you die, or that feeling when you jump off from 47th floor building: the-in-between-extreme-feelings-before-you-hit-the-ground.
But somehow, maybe we just really want to experience these kind of feelings. The pain, the loneliness, boredom and everything; wanting to experience love and hatred and sufferings and everything in between, simultaneously.
And therefore, maybe we are just effing with our empire of thoughts.
Just like the melting butter, maybe we just want to be liquefied; the experience of being in the atmosphere and moving around with the wind, spreading our beautiful aroma.
Maybe, we just want to experience melting and dying, without literally being, uhm, dead.
Or maybe, we are just tired being solid.
– EMILIO JIMENEZ (an accountant, rocker)