..i take one step away
but i find myself coming back
to you my one and only,
one and only YOU…
do you hear me sing V?
This is the only thing I can do now. I’ve tried to stop myself from committing same mistake as before. I almost did it actually. I told Him and myself, I won’t try write that part of my story ever again. It fails everytime. Mas magaling siya, yun ang hindi ko maitatanggi (He is wiser, that I can’t deny). And so, I give him the pen and take charge of what is to be.
Angelo, you have been a model to me that day1 I looked straightly into your eyes. It’s a memory I keep that I was singing for the first time I’ve been looking in your eyes while looking at you, staring as you approach our department. NKKLK (crazy) but I did. I was almost, always late last year 2013 and twice I saw you at the crossing. I didn’t know what to do, will I wait up? Go along with you or be ahead of you? I chose going ahead of you just to tell you, yeah, it’s me, I’m here. But in the end, I always end up chasing you, sometimes I’m on my two-inch-heeled shoes. You were so fast. Later, I found out why—you were already late. So was I.
One of those two times, I was wishing to see you right there, right then. I missed you for two weeks. Suddenly, the wish became a prayer answered. You were standing in front of me. I blinked. I thought I was on a daydream but there, a living, breathing you are. RED light and even people were crossing, you didn’t go with the flow. I was amazed of how you think on traffic rules. I stayed to watch you further. GREEN light and there we went. Naunahan pa nga kita (I went ahead of you even). I really went ahead of you but as I said, you overtook me. Nagrereklamo ako pag lagi kitang hinahabol pero kasalanan ko naman. Now, when I cross that section, I got your attitude. I don’t cross when it’s red. I go Green. Thanks for that.
While our office was in renovation, I saw you often since you were the supervisor. I even had that word twitching referring to my heart’s reaction when I see you—kumikislot (twitching). I had so many crazy things inside my head and done some. I wrote your name on the newspaper I found at the third floor. Nobody was around. I stalked your FB and your siblings’. Sorry but I am not sorry. They were all brilliant specially Apple whose interests are same as mine minus the playing of music instruments. I don’t do that but I wish I can to be able to jam with your singing of Here, There and Everywhere. Every time I hear that song, I feel how you want to love. I don’t know if someone special is occupying your heart and mind right now. I don’t bother to know. It’s enough for me to know, I have this one-way feeling towards you.
I met you one day in May 2013 and done the research. You are running and I admit, that was one factor how my friends were able to convince me join a funrun in July. I wanted to see your world, experience what you are doing and hoping too, I can see you there. So far, I haven’t seen you on one of my runs. It’s been nine months and counting. However, I do run now with the primary reason I want to take care of myself to take care of others more. Fitness is something that will make me remember you. No one does, no one will, only you. Again, I thank God for that.
I love to see you sleeping. Doon ka naman kasi yata nawiwili (You are enjoying it. It seems). Your profile pics are screaming about it. On the morning following our Christmas party, I saw you sleeping at the cushioned seat at your office’s lobby. I stared at you while passing by. I wanted to stop but I didn’t. I got a companion pero alam naman niya. Poor child, I thought. Someone told me you’re not getting good sleep those days. I wanted to be there at your side and watch over you. I was even thinking I’ll be watching you every day. It sounds good to me and it’s really crazy. It was just like how I look when you came to me because no one answered me about the glass pane I wanted to be removed, worrying that it will be damaged by the demolishing works that night, that first hello when you were looking for our messenger, kinilig talaga ako. That night, I was smiling even maybe at sleep.
Weird but I had this long-sleeve and I was thinking like it’s lucky. Why? I see you whenever I am with it (mind setting lang siguro). I almost bumped into you one Friday, my friend told me, “bakit di mo binangga?” haha, same with my thoughts. She, really is my friend. I saw you on Valentines day 2014, guilty again, I stared. As ever, you were so serious, your palms wrapping each other. Could I hold one of those? Ooops, crazy ideas!
I always love assisting and helping you. It was unsolicited. Para-paraan para makausap ka. Textmate kita remember? Natutuwa ako pag wala yung in-charge mo. That means, it will only be me you’ll get to talk to. Simple as that. I will always be willing sa isang pagkabait-bait na arkitekto. Anyway, I had my house plan back in province, I was just hoping you would see and help me. Ako naman ang tulungan mo. Doon lang. In any other thing, you can’t.
I am someone who evaluates everything – the guy on the next block, kids playing with their parents watching, leaves swaying outside jayson’s window (he’s beside it), sun that upsets Mina when it’s setting and this, specially, my feelings. I know you are miles up there. Suntok sa buwan na lagi-lagi kong sinasabi. I have plans of reaching you but now, my jump won’t suffice to cope the distance. I guess I have to reorganize everything of me but I promise, I won’t get too far. Right now, you are a butterfly I can’t keep for if I do, we both die. I won’t let you suffocate in my palms, the personality you created and the influence you brought. I won’t let myself die in despair, in reaching you or catching you. I won’t. I respect God’s writing and will. If ever you won’t be available then, that time I can get a rocket to the moon, its okay. No regrets. Someone other might be waiting. If only if. And if ever you won’t be my one and only YOU, I pray for Him to land you, dearest Angelo, in loving arms always. God bless you lucky angel. ‘Til then.